I can't remember when I
first learned of depression; it was certainly before I ever
considered I might be suffering from it, and before I had internet
access to find answers easily. I imagine the early filtering through
of information came from posters and leaflets read out of boredom
whilst waiting for doctor's appointments. From this, I knew it was
unhelpful to tell the person to “pull yourself together”, and
that someone suffering from depression already felt useless and
guilty so you needed to be nice to them.
These two things seem
pretty obvious to me. If someone is depressed, they clearly can't
“snap out of it”, or they presumably would have done so already.
Depression is, by it's very nature, no fun whatsoever. And anyone
suffering in any way is surely deserving of sympathy and support.
Apparently it's not so
obvious to most people (including mental health professionals). The
same tired and unhelpful old assumptions just go on and on; people
don't even realise they're doing it. For example, people are always
suggesting to me that I do things to help me feel better. This
irritates me beyond belief, because:
- I already do that and their suggestion subtly sweeps aside my efforts as worthless. I know when just getting out of bed is a huge achievement; they don't.
- They always suggest activities that are basically living everyday life – things like getting a job, socialising more, or taking up running/swimming/anything else that feels like climbing Everest when you're low.
If I could do these
things, I'd be fine! The reason I don't do them is not
because I am unimaginative, lazy or stupid. It's because I feel
exhausted, physically lifeless, struggle to concentrate, find things
more effort than fun, and can't keep a fake smile plastered to my
face at all the required times. I'm not sat around twiddling my
thumbs, bored and depressed, for want of a hobby. Actually, I'm not
bored at all, and certainly don't lack hobbies. I'm just putting in
a lot of effort for what seems like little return, trying to feel
moderately ok whilst taking hours to keep on top of things like
laundry, eating healthily, and not ending up being dragged to A&E
by police. I think I'm actually doing quite well, in my own small
way, and suggestions for further action, however well-intended, just
leave me feeling like I've got a to-do list the length of the Amazon,
which is totally overwhelming and means I actually end up doing even
less.
I am constantly
frustrated that otherwise kind and understanding people fail to grasp
this. It's the whole point (for want of a better word) of
depression. What gets to me especially - and I have been pondering
this lately – is that other people seem to do the most silly
things, whilst bumbling along quite happily and dealing with the
eventual fallout with ease. For me, the stakes are too high. I have
to carefully consider every decision I make – and have learnt over
time what is a good idea and what is not. (A friend actually
commented the other day that I am “quite sensible”, whilst
incredulous at various unfortunate, unlucky situations I've been in.)
So, in terms of what people do with their life and the decisions
they make that affect their happiness, I'm actually doing pretty
well, and am in relative terms, it seems, quite wise (and
oh-so-modest!) Yet these same people who make silly mistakes in
their own lives view me as someone who's just not trying very hard,
or possibly is not clever enough to figure out what to do. Even some
mental health workers I've had the bad luck to encounter seem to be
displaying signs of personality disorders that should render them
ineligible to work with vulnerable people, let alone make judgements
of them.
I sometimes wonder if
everyone actually has the same amount of 'depression potential' or
whatever it'd be called, and it just manifests differently. Some of
these things are recognised as being linked to mental health –
substance abuse and obesity, for example. But what about things like
having a messy house, eating erratically (though sensible weight),
being racist/sexist, or generally a bit of a tosser? These things
aren't considered 'essential' by society in the same way as, say,
holding down a job or managing to go to the shops without having a
panic attack. So theoretically, if I gave up bothering about certain
things or caring about other people, would I have more resilience in
dealing with other things? Do I use up all my self-discipline and
energy on things considered less important by society?
I've heard people being
described as so depressed they “can't hold down a job”. Yet for
me, a job is the first thing that goes. Having to be somewhere at a
certain time, able to concentrate, not allowed to break down in
tears, etc etc, is hard! Yet I can keep my flat and myself
relatively clean, and try to eat healthily, and don't turn to
alcohol...
Do I have my priorities
wrong? Does society?
What really bugs me is
that I'm the one asking for help from mental health services, I'm the
'broken' one, whilst others might be making all sorts of mistakes or
living in a selfish way, yet perfectly 'fine'! I want to yell at
psych-types: “Give me some credit!” and point out all the
sensible decisions I've made, not to mention the bad luck I've had
too. I suppose it's to do with the stigma of mental ill-health, and
the blaming attitude towards certain diagnoses from mental health
professionals. If they decide you are not 'mad' (floridly
psychotic), they automatically see you as 'bad' (attention-seeker,
not trying hard enough etc).
I'm not really sure
what conclusions to draw from all this, except that the mental health
services are as messed up as those they treat, and their job is
basically to make these individuals function in a messed up world.
On the plus side, I
suddenly feel a lot saner!
Myrtle
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